| |
|
|
Ask Dr. Sue
AGGRESSIVE OLDER CHILD
Dear Dr. Sue,
My four year old daughter is very jealous of her four
month old baby sister, even though at times she smiles
and talks to her, and she’s very good at bringing me
things and helping with her. At first I just thought the
jealousy was normal, but two things happened recently
that scared me and made me wonder if it might be above
and beyond what’s acceptable. A couple of weeks ago I
had to leave the room for a couple of minutes. When I
walked back in my older daughter was gazing intently at
the baby, up close, saying “die, die, die,” over and
over. That was scary enough, but this week was worse. She was playing nicely with her sister, dangling a toy
near her and talking sweetly. Then I glanced away
briefly at something and looked back to find her with
her hands around the baby’s throat acting like she was
going to choke her. When I shouted at her, her answer
was “she tried to choke me first.” How worried should I
be about this, and what should I do?
Dear Mom,
Let me reassure you that what your daughter is doing is
probably well within the range of normal behavior. Jealousy can be a very powerful emotion, and your
younger child is getting cuter and more interactive
daily, but not taking up any less of your time. It’s
natural for your first child to feel like she’s been
pushed out of the nest. Inborn temperament has a lot to
do with how each child reacts to this feeling of being
replaced. Some children may act withdrawn, some may
regress and try to act more like babies themselves, and
many will have aggressive feelings. Some, like your
daughter, will let those aggressive feelings show, while
others, whose negative emotions may be just as strong,
will be better at masking them.
There are three important messages your older daughter
needs to hear, over and over, (but not at a shout). The
first that needs to come through loud and clear is “I
love you. Daddy loves you. We’re so proud of the big
girl that you are.” Saying that in words as often as
possible is very important. Saying it in your actions
may be even more important. Don’t forget to spend time
alone with your big girl, preferably every day. Maybe
her bedtime could be fifteen minutes later, “since
you’re my big girl now,” and that time could be spent
one-on-one with Mom. Make dates for her to go to the
movies with her dad, and make a big deal out of how
special that is. They could stop for a big-kid dessert
afterward. Let her have jobs that are important and fun. Maybe she could be in charge of choosing the outfit the
baby wears each day. Mention to relatives that she’s
feeling a little displaced, and you’d like them to spend
the first part of each visit interacting with her,
before moving on to the new baby.
The second message is this: no one has any control over
their feelings, but everyone has control over their
actions. Talk to your daughter honestly about the way
she feels, and don’t tell her that she is wrong to wish
the baby would go back where it came from. If she uses
the word “hate,” don’t tell her “we don’t use that
word.” She needs to feel free to express feelings to
you, and to feel like you will understand. She also
needs to understand that she will NOT be allowed to act
on aggressive feelings.
The third message that she must understand is that you
will not allow anyone to hurt the baby, just like you
will not allow anyone to hurt her, ever. Follow that
through by never leaving her alone with the baby, just
to be safe. Keep that supervision subtle, though; don’t
throw it in her face that you can’t safely leave her
alone with the baby, just don’t do it. You want the
relationship between the two of them to improve
steadily; the last thing you want to do is create a
situation in which one of them is portrayed as the good
child and one as the bad, or dangerous child.
Share the following books with your daughter. They will
help both of you!
1. A New Baby at Koko Bear’s House, by Vicky Lansky
2. I’m a Big Brother, and I’m a Big Sister, by Joanna
Cole
3. Julius, the Baby of the World, by Kevin Henkes
4. Aren’t You Lucky! By Catherine & Laurence Anholt
5. Darcy and Gran Don’t Like Babies, by Jane Cutler
6. A Baby Sister for Frances, by Russell & Lillian Hoban
7. The New Baby at Your House, by Joanna Cole
and finally, make your big girl feel special by getting
her this book, and helping her complete it:
8. My New Baby and Me: A First Year Record Book for Big
Brothers and Sisters, by Dian Smith
 
|
|
