Child and Adolescent Clinic - Children Teased About Glasses

Ask Dr. Sue

CHILDREN TEASED ABOUT GLASSES

Dear Dr. Sue,

I have one child, a daughter, who will be in second grade this year. Last year she came home crying on a number of occasions because she was being tormented by other kids. She wears glasses, and was teased about that, but a lot of times I couldn't even figure out what the teasing was about. Now that school is approaching she's already starting to worry about being teased. What can I do to help her?

Dear Mom,

Teasing is one of those facts of life that is never going to go away. In fact, although it may seem to your daughter that she's the only one being teased, the truth is that virtually ALL children are teased, but they react in different ways. Dr. Robin Alter, clinical psychologist, feels that children tease because they haven't learned the social skills needed to interact differently. This primitive form of social interaction is their way of making contact and forming relationships. It also serves to help establish a social pecking order; those kids who can "take it" often move up on the playground status scale, while those who are visibly bothered move down. (I'll give an example from the animal world. Consider a group of horses being fed in a group. If one moves in on a dominant animal's food, they're met with bared teeth and ears held back - the intruder then backs down. If, on the other hand, the horse being approached backs off, he has not only lost his dinner but has firmly established himself as one who has lower status and deserves to lose his dinner at the whim of others.)

Dr. Alter quotes recent research that points out the differences in the way girls tease compared to the way boys do it. Girls are usually more verbal in their teasing. Often they have their feelings hurt more easily, and can hold on to those hurt feelings for weeks or months. Boys, on the other hand, more often tease in physical ways, poking and shoving each other. Even when they do tease verbally, boys don't seem to carry a grudge for as long, and can more easily move on to a different relationship.

He also comments on research that tells us another interesting fact applicable to your daughter. Only children and eldest children often have the most trouble handling teasing. He feels this stems from their lack of exposure to teasing by siblings, which can be severe and unrelenting. Only children and eldest children spend more of their time around adults, who in most cases have learned better manners than are seen on the playground. So when these children are confronted by normal playground viciousness they take it very personally and assume that they are hated and despised at school. They then react in a manner that encourages further teasing.

The Pediatric Development and Behavior Homepage (www.dbpeds.org/handouts) lists the following 10 suggestions for children who are suffering from being teased:

1. Self-talk. Practice at home. Your daughter can say to herself "Even though I don't like this teasing, I can handle it." She can ask herself "Is what they're saying true?" and "Whose opinion is more important…the teaser's or mine?" She can also remind herself of her positive qualities.

2. Ignore. Don't look at or respond to the teaser in any way. Pretend they are invisible. Walk away if possible.

3. The I message. "I feel upset when you make fun of my glasses. I would like you to stop." Your daughter should learn to make eye contact, speak clearly, and use a polite tone of voice.

4. Visualization. Your daughter could pretend and actually visualize the teaser's words "bouncing off" of her. Practice by having a Nerf or other soft ball bounce off of her and equate it to the words. Or she could pretend she has a shield around her that the words can't penetrate.

5. Reframing. She can change her own AND the teaser's perception about the comment. If they tease her about her glasses, she can respond "Thanks for noticing my glasses." In other words, act like she's being complimented. Or she can say "That was a great put-down." Either one tends to confuse the teaser, which takes them out of a position of power and puts her into it.

6. Agree with the facts. Examples given include "You have so many freckles." The child answers "Yes, I do have a lot of freckles." Or "You're a crybaby." "Yes, I do cry easily." Agreeing with the facts takes some of the pressure off of your daughter by removing her need to hide the freckles or the tears, or make them disappear altogether.

7. "So?" This is the simplest technique of all. It's most effective when a look of supreme indifference can be applied. Again, it leaves your daughter in a position of power, if she can pull it off.

8. Respond to the tease with a compliment. If your daughter is teased about her glasses, she could respond "You have really nice eyes, it's nice that you don't have to wear glasses."

9. Use humor. Laughing at the situation can diminish the importance of the tease and the teaser. It also acts to bond the person being teased to the rest of the audience, who can laugh along rather than feeling guilty (or relieved that they're not the ones being picked on).

10. Ask for help. If a teacher is available, your daughter can ask for help. This can backfire, however, since your daughter may then be labeled a tattle-tale or a baby. If things are really getting out of control, your daughter should know that adults can help, though.

Dr. Alter feels that the best overall alternative is assertiveness (remember the horse who bares its teeth and puts its ears back? You're looking for similar actions in human terms.) It's often hard for a child, especially one your daughter's age, to come up with exactly the right words at the right moment, so it may be best to pick one easy, all-purpose assertive response that can become second nature. She should use an assertive body posture and tone of voice, saying something like "Get lost," or "I DON'T like that!" He also likes "Whatever," accompanied by a shrug and a "look of disdain."

Choose a method that you think fits with your daughter's personality and then rehearse it before school starts. Make it more fun by using silly examples, "You have donkey ears." "You're pink with purple polka dots." Also empower your daughter by letting her know that other kids might get teased in her presence and they may not know what to do, but she could step in and use the same techniques for their sake.

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