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Ask Dr. Sue
HELPING A CHILD GRIEVE
Dear Dr. Sue,
My mother, who lives with us, has been fighting a
terminal illness for several years now. She is getting
near the end of the fight. My eight-year-old son and his
grandma are the very best of friends. They absolutely
adore each other. I really need to know how to help him
deal with this loss; he’s going to be devastated and I
don’t even know how to begin to talk to him about death
and dying. Are there books that might help?
Dear Mom,
What a wonderful thing it is that your son has had this
relationship with his grandma! How lucky all of you are
that you’ve had these past few years together, too, in
spite of the battle she has had to fight.
I hope that your son has not been sheltered from every
aspect of his grandmother’s illness. Eight year olds are
not oblivious or stupid; if all of this hasn’t been
withheld from him I’m sure he has begun to brace himself
for loss at least subconsciously. I wonder if he has
asked you about death? Be sure to answer his questions,
in this area as in all other areas, as honestly as
possible. Don’t change the subject as if it’s a topic
that can never be discussed. Don’t give meaningless
reassurances. If he asks “Is Grandma going to die?” tell
him the truth, in simple terms. You might say something
like, “Grandma and the doctors have done everything they
could for Grandma to live as long as possible, but now
it looks like there isn’t anything more that can be
done. Yes, Grandma is dying.” If he cries and says he
doesn’t want her to die, feel free to cry with him and
tell him that you don’t want it to happen, either.
The next question on his mind that he may or may not
bring up is likely to be “Are YOU going to die, too?” It’s fine to tell him that everything alive eventually
dies, but that you aren’t going to die for a long, long
time. The same answer is appropriate if he asks whether
HE’S going to die.
Experts suggest that you use the word “death,” rather
than a substitute like “passed away.” Some children may
expect their loved one to come back and see them someday
if they just passed away somewhere. They need to come to
an understanding of what death really is, within the
framework of your family’s belief system. It is fine to
tell him that Grandma will be in heaven watching him, or
that he will see her again someday in heaven, if that is
what you believe.
He’ll definitely want and need to know how his own life
will be changing. If he will need to go to an
after-school program because now there will be no one at
home in the afternoons, take him for a visit. If
Grandma’s special cooking will be missed, maybe she
could provide you with recipes, and the three of you
could make a special “Grandma’s Recipe Book.” If you can
add pictures of the three of you cooking together it
will be even more precious in years to come. You might
talk about how Grandma won’t be there to help with his
homework, but that you will be sure to schedule extra
time to do it now. Or you might say “Grandma won’t be
able to be at your soccer matches like before, but every
time you play you can remember how proud she was to
watch you.”
Try to make certain that he knows that Grandma is not
dying because of anything he did, or failed to do. The
best way to determine that he’s sure of this is to ask
him why he thinks she is sick. Children are great at
magical thinking; you may find to your horror that he
believes it was the burned toast he fixed for her years
ago that started her illness. Point out to him that
everything has its season to live and its time to die.
Use dead animals found outside, dead trees and leaves,
or dead goldfish as available to illustrate the circle
of life for him. Read him books about nature, which
demonstrate that one generation’s job is to provide
safety and shelter for the next. Talk about what a
wonderful job Grandma has done to provide love and
nurturing to not just one, but two generations! Remind
him that Grandma will always be alive in you and in him,
in the memories you have of her and the parts of you
that you inherited from her or learned from her.
When your mother does die, leave it up to your son to
decide whether he should go to the funeral. It might be
helpful for him to take part in a celebration of her
life, but it might be overwhelming for him. Remember to
point out that Grandma is no longer in that body, so
that the thought of it going into the ground doesn’t
scare him. Tell him Grandma is not going to be cold or
lonely, and in fact, she is no longer going to be sick
or in pain.
After the funeral, share memories of Grandma frequently. Don’t be afraid to bring up things she would have said
or done, or how much you miss her. Yes, your son might
respond with tears, and yes, you will probably cry too. Go ahead and do it. Grief has to be worked through in
one way or another, and it is so much better to do it
with someone else than alone in your room at night. When
you demonstrate your own sad feelings your son will
realize that what he feels is natural and acceptable.
Be alert for any signs that either of you may be
slipping from a normal grief process into depression,
however. If grief seems to have taken over a large part
of his life, or your life, and if it doesn’t seem to get
any better as the weeks go on, seek help right away.
Finally, contact your local hospice for information
about children’s (and adults’) grief groups, and please
take part, even if it seems as though you don’t have the
time.
The following books might be helpful:
1. Helping Children Grieve: When Someone They Love Dies.
By Theresa M. Huntley
2. Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good Grief Guidebook for Kids. By Michaelene Mundy
3. Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and
Child. By Earl A. Grollman
4. When Children Grieve; For Adults to Help Children
Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving and Other
Losses. By John W. James and Russell Friedman.
 
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