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Ask Dr. Sue
HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD
Dear Dr. Sue,
My four year old daughter is very sensitive. When she is
in new situations she is very clingy and won’t interact
at all (she hides her face in my leg). She won’t go down
the slide at the park. We recently visited Disneyland,
and it was a waste of money; she went on only one ride,
with me by her side, and said she hated it when the ride
was over. We couldn’t get her to even try another ride. She also panics if she hears loud noises, even the
flushing of some restroom toilets. And finally, if she
is scolded even a little bit, (not harshly) she is
devastated. She cries like her heart is breaking, and
often asks “Do you still love me?” I feel like she is
very insecure, and I don’t know why! What can I do to
get her to be less intense and fearful?
Dear Parent,
You just gave a very good description of a “highly
sensitive child.” Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the book
The Highly Sensitive Child, believes that this is an
inborn character trait, and thus certainly nothing you
have created or are likely to be able to totally change. Other experts, like Dr. Marti Laney, a neuroscience
researcher and psychoanalyst of Calabasas, California,
describe such children as introverts, and also stress
the inborn, structural basis for their behavior.
Introverts often get bad press in today’s society. They
may be thought of as being fearful, socially inept and
insecure, when actually they just need more time to
process new situations. Dr. Aron believes that such
children (and adults) are being bombarded by a vastly
greater amount of stimuli in every situation. They often
pick up on subtle odors, small changes in a person’s
appearance, changes in the arrangement of the furniture,
a spider web in the corner of the ceiling, the emotional
climate of the room and the demeanor of all of the
people in it; all in the first few seconds. They then
need time to absorb all of that data and decide how to
respond. If there are too many new variables presented
to them at once, their nervous system can be overwhelmed
and they will feel a strong urge to retreat (think rides
at Disneyland!)
So what should you do about your daughter’s highly
sensitive nature? Accept it, and her. Try not to push
her into situations that are going to be painful for
her. Wait until she asks for a trip to Disneyland before
you plan another such vacation, and even then be
prepared for the fact that she may not want to
participate in too many activities once she gets there.
Let her find her own level of comfort at the park. If
she enjoys being there, it doesn’t matter whether she
uses the slides or not. She also may not engage very
directly with the other children, but if she’s having
fun, that isn’t a problem. If there’s another child
playing by themselves there, you might strike up a
conversation with them and ask their name and age in her
hearing: if some of the variables about that person can
be absorbed from a distance she may be able to ease into
further contact more gradually.
Allow her to cover her ears when she hears loud noises,
and don’t make fun of her for doing so. Allow her to run
to you if she needs to, and be sympathetic but not
smothering when she does. (An arm around her shoulder
and an encouraging smile will do it.)
Continue to use gentle reminders to correct her
behavior. If there is an infraction that occurs in
public, maybe you could have a code word or symbol as
your reminder. For example, if she continually pulls at
your sleeve when you’re having a conversation in public,
two taps on her shoulder might mean “You need to stop
pulling at me. I know you want to show or tell me
something and I’ll give you my attention soon.” Always
stress that it is the behavior you are correcting. Don’t
say “You are a whiner, and I don’t like that.” Instead
say “When you whine like that it’s hard for me to listen
to what you’re saying.”
If your daughter does cry and ask whether you still love
her, take advantage of the creative, imaginative nature
of the highly sensitive child to give her an answer that
will stay with her. Create a mental image that compares
your love for her to the minor irritation of the moment
so that she can see how vastly different they are. You
might say “my love for you is like the biggest river in
the entire world that goes on and on and on. When I get
irritated, that’s like a little cork bobbing along on
that river. That little cork bobs along for a while and
then it ends up at the ocean and gets swept out to sea
for good, but the river never, ever goes away.”
Appreciate the positives of raising and being a highly
sensitive person. Highly sensitive children often have
excellent attention spans. They are often very
well-behaved, since they tend to evaluate situations and
outcomes so well in advance. They are very empathetic
and caring. They may be very artistic. They are good at
comparing and contrasting, and they tend to be great
problem solvers and to love learning.
Try to support your child the way she is, offering
opportunities for growth but not forcing them on her. As
Dr. Kenneth Rubin, PhD., director of the Center for
Children, Relationships and Culture at the University of
Maryland says, when we coach our children to be other
than who they are, we communicate a lack of acceptance. Accept her differences, learn as much as you can about
them, and teach her as she grows that her way of
reacting to the world is just fine.
For more information, including a questionnaire to
assess whether your child qualifies as a Highly
Sensitive Child, see Dr. Aron’s website
www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm. See also her
book, The Highly Sensitive Child (by Elaine Arons,
Ph.D.).
 
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