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Ask Dr. Sue
LIVING IN THE CITY
Dear Dr. Sue,
I am a recently divorced mother with primary custody of
my son and daughter. I currently live in Longview,
but would love to return to a country home. My
children are settled in
their school, sports, etc. and do not want to move.
I want to do what's best. I'll continue to live in
the city if that's what is best for them. Can you
tell me if it's better to raise children
in the city or the country?
Mom
Dear Mom,
It is very difficult to say that living
in the city or in the country is best, just as I
couldn't really tell you that living in the Pacific
Northwest is better than living in the Midwest, or any
other place. Each of us has a different frame of
reference and different preferences, and each place to
live
suits some people very well. That there are
differences between raising children in the city and
raising them in the country, no one would deny.
Below are some things you might want to consider:
LIVING IN A SMALL CITY (like Longview)
1. Neighbors are close, so that children can often get
together with friends without a lot of prior planning.
2. Schools may have more to offer in terms of frills;
gifted classes, MORE classes offered, etc.
3. Easy access to libraries, classes offered by the
Parks and Recreation department, dance and gymnastics,
karate, etc.
4. Closer access to medical care in case of emergency.
5. Fewer injuries (rural people have twice the rate of
injuries as those living in the city - many of these
have to do with the use of farm equipment, which may not
apply to you, but another reason is many more miles
spent in a car going back and forth to those things that
are nearby now)
6. Maintaining your children's involvement in sports
doesn't require the extra effort that it does when you
live in the country; which a single parent may find hard
to coordinate.
LIVING IN THE COUNTRY
1. Less opportunity to learn to "hang out" at the mall
and in the streets.
2. Less exposure to gang mentality. MAYBE less
easy access to drugs.
3. Lower stress?
4. Quiet
5. Fresh air.
6. Often smaller class size in schools.
6. Greater self-reliance, as canned entertainment is not
quite as readily available.
7. The opportunity to participate in some things that
aren't possible in town; raising animals as a 4-H
project, for example.
You'll need to make your own list. Many people may
disagree with specific items on the lists I've produced,
and my own bias influences what I believe about each
environment. In balance,
though noone is going to be able to give you a clear
statement about which place is best to raise your
family, which means that OTHER FACTORS should probably
play a greater role in your decision than theoretical
benefits.
The biggest factor, I believe, is that your children
have recently been through one of the biggest events
that can affect a child's life; your divorce.
Hopefully it was a relatively friendly process, and your
children still have two parents who are able to work
together at least in regard to their interests.
Even in the best of circumstances, however, your
children have suffered a major disruption of their
lives. Since it doesn't sound like the divorce has
created a situation that requires you to move, this
seems like the worst of all possible times to do so.
Such a move would add still more losses to your
children's lives; loss of friends, loss of comfortable
routine and surroundings,
and loss of their home.
There are other factors for you to consider, as well,
whenever the change might be made. Your children
will do best in the long run if their primary care-giver
is happy and satisfied. If you
have had a longstanding dream of moving back to the
country, it still might be best to work toward that goal
(just not immediately). Try to look at the
experience from every angle, though, and not
just be caught up in the romantic ideal of living in the
country. How isolated will you be in terms of
friends and potential relationships if you move back?
If your work provides you with a lot of adult human
contact, that may not be an issue. If not, you
might end up being lonelier, and therefore further
removed from that happy, satisfied parent we're aiming
for.
What sort of child-care arrangements do you have now,
and how might that change if you move? Too many American
children are left alone at home after school. Can
you avoid that situation?
Have you considered the amount of effort required to
maintain the sort of land you are thinking of? It sounds
like you would be the only adult there to be responsible
for both the inside work and the outside work. If
a move would cause you to have fewer hours available to
spend with your children, that would be another
drawback. However, if you and your children could
work together, both inside and outdoors, they would
certainly benefit. (Keep in mind that it often
takes more work to keep kids involved in a project than
it would have taken to just do the job yourself, but the
rewards of increased self-esteem, competence and family
togetherness make it worth the extra effort.)
Have you thought about how your expenses might change if
you moved to the country? More miles on the road
means more gas to buy, as well as increased car
maintenance costs. There might be other expenses
that would be higher, and some could decrease. Try
to avoid unpleasant surprises by investigating as much
as you can in advance.
Will a move impact how much contact the children will be
able to maintain with their father? It is very
important for him to remain a consistent, strong figure
in their lives as much as that is possible.
The bottom line is that your children can thrive
anywhere, as long as they have the love and attention
and stable home life that they need, but that another
huge disruption in their lives is probably not the best
choice right now. I suggest that you hang on to
your dream and continue to work toward making it real,
while at the same time beginning to make it real to
them. Introduce
them to someone who has horses, or a 4-H animal they
raised, if you think that might be an option for your
children. Talk about the tree houses you played in
during your youth. If a dog would be an option in
the country, but not in town, look at dog books and read
about the characteristics of different breeds.
Look at flower and seed catalogs, and talk about which
ones you'll plant someday when you have the room.
As they begin to adjust to their new circumstances, they
will very likely become more and more interested in your
plans. Even if they don't, they will have had time
to gradually grow accustomed to the idea and to adapt to
the other changes in their lives.
Good luck!
 
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