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Ask Dr. Sue
LYING VS. FANTASY
Dear Dr. Sue,
I have a four year old daughter who seems to have a very
overactive imagination. Lately I've become concerned
that it may be going too far. She has an imaginary
friend who goes EVERYWHERE with us, and has to be
factored into every action. And she comes up with
incredible whoppers out of the blue, like telling a
friend of mine that she has a sister in Africa. Should I
be getting concerned, or doing something to help her
stick to the truth? I want her to understand the
difference between a lie and the truth and to be a
honest person.
Dear Mom,
It sounds to me like you have a very normal, creative
and highly verbal child!
A huge number of preschool children have imaginary
friends. They serve many very useful purposes. Imaginary
friends can make you feel safer, if they are big and
strong. They are always on your side. They can be very
handy scapegoats: "George spilled the milk, I didn't."
They are always available to share ideas and playtime
with. And sometimes an imaginary friend can help your
child express things that she doesn't feel comfortable
expressing directly: "George doesn't like going to
school because the teacher is mean."
Most children hang onto these beloved imaginary friends
only as long as they fill a need. By the early school
years (often between Kindergarten and second grade) your
daughter will probably have developed emotional, mental
and social skills that make imaginary friends less
important. This is not to say that children who have
imaginary friends are lacking in some crucial way! It
was once thought that such behaviors were usually seen
in children who were withdrawn, unable to relate to
other children or without any opportunity to relate to
them, or who were being poorly parented in some way. The
reverse has actually been found to be true: research has
shown that children who are very imaginative, including
those with imaginary friends, are well-adjusted,
creative, and make friends easily. They are more verbal
and less likely to be bored. They may end up being more
creative adults. They are also more advanced in
understanding complicated abstract ideas about reality.
Therefore, it's fine to welcome these imaginary friends
into your home. Don't get too carried away with entering
the fantasy yourself, because part of the beauty of an
imaginary friend is that it belongs solely to your
child. Let your daughter lead the way and be tolerant of
"George," discussing his needs and ideas when they are
brought up by your daughter. If George spills something
on the floor, your daughter shouldn't be punished for
blaming him. She's demonstrating that she's learning
right from wrong and acceptable from unacceptable by the
very act of shifting the blame to him. She knows who
really spilled it and she knows that you're aware of the
same thing: she just can't accept the feelings of guilt
and incompetence that knowledge brings right now. Your
goal is for her to grow up with a sense of mastery and
self-worth, and a well-developed conscience as well. You
could tell her "George made a mess so he has to clean it
up! But let's help him together so it isn't so hard for
him."
Some of the same ideas apply to the other whoppers she
tells. If she's simply adding drama to her life (by way
of an made-up sister in Africa), I'd just go along with
her fairy tale. You could say to your friend, "Oh, this
is a sister that I didn't know about yet", to clue her
in. If this sister keeps being mentioned, occasionally
throw in the word make-believe, as in "I almost forgot
about your make-believe sister in Africa! What's new
with her today?"
If your child seems to be intentionally lying to avoid
getting in trouble, and is relying on lies more and
more, then examine her environment. Make sure you aren't
accidentally encouraging lying by any of your own
behaviors. If you find her standing over a broken vase,
for example, it's counterproductive to demand "Did you
break that vase?!" in a loud, threatening voice. YOU
know she broke it, and SHE knows she broke it, so don't
give her a reason to try to escape responsibility.
Rather, say "Oh no! Let's get that glass picked up
before someone gets hurt. I'm really sad that my vase is
broken, but I know you are too." If the stricken look on
her face tells you that her conscience is already
punishing her, that's enough. If, on the other hand, she
doesn't seem bothered at all, it would be fair to give
her a consequence that seems natural: "Since we had to
spend so much time cleaning up this broken glass, there
won't be time for us to play that game we were going to. Next time remember that climbing up on the furniture
isn't allowed."
Other things to consider:
1. Does your child hear YOU lying? If you're asked to
attend a function and you say, "Oh, I can't because my
son has the chicken pox," you're teaching her to lie. (Remember, you are living in a free society: a simple
"No, I can't make it," is all that's necessary.)
2. You do need to teach her the fine distinction about
"white lies" and other lies, though. It usually isn't
all right to tell someone they look terrible, even if
it's true. This is a hard line to draw, but you can
simply tell your daughter that we always tell the truth
except when it would hurt someone's feelings. In those
cases, its OK to stop and think whether it's better to
tell the truth or say something not quite true that will
make them happier. Notice that you don't want to teach
her that you always tell a white lie in those
circumstances, just that you stop and consider the best
choice.
3. Talk about books, television shows and dreams, and
discuss the ways they differ from real life.
4. If your daughter admits some misbehavior, show her
how proud you are that she was honest. Let her help you
decide on an appropriate consequence.
5. Tell her the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," to
help explain why being trustworthy is so important. Read
Sam, Bangs and Moonshine, by Evaline Ness to her. This
book is similar to "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," but ends
happily.
6. Make sure she knows you love her even when she isn't
perfect. If she makes a mistake, talk to her about it
and tell her that everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
Tell her about something similar you did when you were a
child (I bet you can think of something!). Tell her that
you love her all the time, whether you are angry or
annoyed or not.
7. Don't mislead her or lie to her by omission. If you
know she is going to get a shot at her checkup, tell her
in advance, even if you know she's going to scream all
the way into the clinic. Don't tell her it won't hurt: tell her it will hurt a tiny bit just for a second. She
needs to know that you, of all people, can be depended
on and that you value the truth.
Develop a culture of truth in your family so that she
knows that truth is valued and expected. Then relax and
enjoy her tall tales!
 
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