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Ask Dr. Sue
PROTECTING YOUR TODDLER FROM TODDLERS
Dr. Sue,
How should a parent intervene when they see their 16
month old child hit or tackled
by another child their age? If the other parent
disciplines their hitter, what should I do for my child
after being hit? I want to send her the right
message after the encounter.
Mom
Dear Mom,
Hitting, tackling, biting. These are all behaviors
that are going to come up when you are dealing with
toddlers. Toddlers are very straightforward about
their emotions, and very limited when it comes to
impulse control, so even once they understand that these
actions are not acceptable it takes time to get beyond
the IMPULSE/ACTION sequence.
The first step to take is prevention. Toddlers are
most likely to hit or bite out of frustration when they
are tired, so try to have other toddlers over to play
with your child during a time when both or all of them
are likely to be most rested. Provide plenty of
playthings, so that one item is less likely to be fought
over. And supervise: if you see a dispute
brewing step in with a distraction before the frustrated
one has time to hit or bite. It also helps to have
some activities planned that allow blowing off steam in
an acceptable way, like dancing, pushing a big ball
around, going outside to run around, and so forth.
If, in spite of your excellent planning and constant
supervision, your child
is still hit or bitten or tackled, I would be very
matter-of-fact but reassuring to your child, who has
just received an unpleasant, but usually minor,
surprise. Look over her skin for bleeding or
bruises, give her a cuddle, and tell her "Johnny forgot
that we don't bite/hit/push people, didn't he? I'm
sorry you got bitten/hit/pushed down. You'll feel
all better in just a minute, though."
You are right in not wanting to err to far in either
direction. It's unfair to act as though your child
shouldn't be upset at all, and telling your child that
big kids don't cry at this age is certainly not
appropriate. In fact, children whose honest
emotions are responded to appropriately tend to be more
resilient as they get older, and better able to control
their emotions themselves; they don't become crybabies
later because they are allowed to express themselves as
toddlers.
However, you don't want your child to become timid and
fearful around otherchildren, fearing that they are all
dangerous and unpredictable. You also in general
want your child to learn that everyone makes mistakes,
including you and your child, and that is all right.
You don't want to send the message that someone who does
the wrong thing is BAD or that your child has to always
be GOOD in order to be loved.
How should you step in if it's your child who has acted
aggressively? Tell her in a stern voice that "We
don't hit people. That hurts!" Don't allow
her to rejoin the fun activities immediately; if she
won't stay in a time-out position for 1 to 2 minutes,
restrain her with your arms around her for about a
minute, or until she stops struggling. Be careful
not to provide too much attention, though, since even
negative attention can be rewarding. Keep the
entire interaction brief and then forget about it
until/unless it happens again. Remember to catch
her doing the right thing so you can reward her; if she
comes and takes you by the hand because she wants what
someone else has, tell her "Good girl, you didn't grab
the toy! Lets see if you can have a turn now."
Then negotiate with the other toddler by offering them
something else desirable to play with, or find your
child a
toy that's just as interesting.
Encourage her all along to communicate with words, or
with showing you what she wants when she doesn't have
the verbal skills to tell you. Its also useful to
teach empathy all along as your child is growing.
If a doll falls off the couch, pick it up a give it a
hug and kiss its owie, and encourage your child to do
the same. Tell her "Your baby got hurt! She
needs some love!" If you burn your finger in the
kitchen, ask her for a kiss and hug so you'll feel
better. Teach her how to be gentle to animals, and
only allow her near them if she is being gentle; tell
her the doggie won't play with kids that hurt it.
Remember to model the kind of language that you want
your child to eventually use with others. Avoid
harsh, sarcastic and mean language or tones.
Always respond to your child's feelings, questions and
worries. All of these activities help to shape
emotional development such that the end result is a
person who recognizes and cares about the feelings of
others, and is less likely to want to cause pain to
them. It all takes time, though, and all children
are different. Don't worry that your child will
have serious emotional problems if she takes longer to
learn this lesson than others. More commonly slow
progress in learning not to be aggressive is related to
high energy, high activity levels and impulsiveness,
along with a lower
tolerance for frustration. Keep responding calmly
and consistently, and talk to your
pediatrician if you continue to have concerns.
 
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