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Ask Dr. Sue
PUBERTY AND EMOTIONS
Dear Dr. Sue,
It seems to me that the medical community has made great
progress in treating the whole woman through PMS flare
ups as well as the transition through menopause.
My question is what about our daughter and
granddaughters as they make their way towards womanhood.
Is there information beyond the common sense of being
sure the girls have proper nutrition and enough sleep?
I have observed that the struggle into womanhood happens
earlier than ever before and is no respecter of race or
social/economic status. Our darling little girls
go from playing with Barbies to a perpetual bad mood so
quickly they get labeled and treated like brats, they
are punished more than they are helped. I'm looking
forward to your thoughts.
Grandma
Dear Grandma,
You are certainly right about puberty setting in
earlier. The average age for menarche (the first
period) in 1900 was fourteen, and now the average is
down to twelve and a half. The onset of the
hormonal changes that can wreak such havoc varies from 8
to almost 15 years of age. None of us are ready
when those mood changes begin at age 8, when our
daughters' friends may still be playing with Barbie
dolls! The actual timing of puberty is influenced
a lot by genetics (early puberty runs in the family).
However, the declining age of puberty is thought to be
related to improved nutrition and improved overall
health; in developing countries the same trend has not
been seen.
Looked at in that light, we can try to see earlier
puberty as the blessing that it is; if our children
weren't in such good health, we wouldn't have this issue
to complain about! There are many other facets of
our daughters' struggle toward maturity that can also be
seen through rose-colored glasses, if we choose.
The typical behavior changes seen during these years
include an increase in argumentiveness; because our
daughters can now think abstractly and can imagine
future outcomes for a situation. Their perspective on a
given situation may not match ours, but without this
emerging skill they would never be able to function as
adults. Time, along with experience and trial and
error will help them evolve into the decision-making
adults we want them to be. Meanwhile, rather than
exploding in anger because they would like to make every
topic a debate, we can choose when to draw the line and
draw it firmly when their safety or our deeply felt
values are at risk. The rest of the time we can
simply acknowledge their viewpoint and express our own,
without anger. Then let them believe or choose
what they want to. (Orange hair, platform shoes,
liking particular music, and having a messy room really
aren't worth fighting over. Finishing homework,
doing laundry, and staying up too late may fall into the
category of letting natural consequences win the
argument for you (poor grades, no clothes to wear,
feeling tired). Of course, natural consequences
only work if you don't step in at the last minute and
interfere; by doing some of her homework, washing her
laundry, letting her skip school because she's tired,
and so on.
Most young girls also show some degree of moodiness
during this time. If this degree is severe,
parents should seek help from their pediatrician.
Some adolescents are truly depressed, and counseling or
even medication may be appropriate. Some young
girls have such wild mood swings around the time of
their periods that hormonal therapy is warranted.
All girls whose behavior seems extreme would benefit
from a good history and physical exam to be certain that
they don't have a medical problem contributing to or
masquerading as pubertal changes.
For the majority of children, however, the rapid mood
swings are brought on by the difficult balancing act
they are doing, teetering on the fence between childhood
and adulthood. Sometimes they feel like
three-year-olds, and sometimes they feel (and even act)
like adults. They have a strong drive to begin to
control their own destiny, with a perception of their
destiny that can vary from miniscule to global (my
destiny is to wear a midriff-baring shirt today, versus
my destiny is to save starving children in Africa).
Every feeling that they have is intensified, so that
love (including crushes), hate (often for minor
betrayals), embarrassment, alienation, loneliness or
boredom can each seem too much to bear. And the
feeling that they are most aware of at any particular
moment can change in a flash, while the grownups
involved are still grappling with the LAST emotion.
Adolescents, teens, and sadly many so-called adults,
also are victims of what some have called "personal
fables." The two most significant of these are:
-
"My feelings are unique. No one
has ever felt this way and no one could ever
understand what I'm going through."
-
"That would never happen to me."
(Unplanned sex, pregnancy, death or disability from
an accident, or anything else bad.)
Adolescents also feel (sometimes
correctly) that any time a parent opens their mouth a
lecture is going to come out. It is very
important, therefore, to get your licks in before
adolescence (which means at least by age 8, since who
knows when puberty is going to start in your child.)
Every child should know, because they've been TOLD, what
her family's values are in regard to the big issues in
life. These values should include attitudes toward
drinking, drugs, smoking, sexual intercourse, religious
beliefs, ethical issues, responsibility toward others,
and responsibility to and for one's self. Keep in
mind that if the responsible adults teach one thing but
then live another, their children will lose faith in
parental values and feel like they have to construct
their own from scratch. Studies have shown,
however, that overall family values outweigh peer
pressure in the biggest of life choices, even though
peer pressure outweighs family pressure when smaller
issues such as clothing, manner of speech, leisure
activities, and teen idols are involved.
What else can a parent (or a grandma) do?
-
Again, COMMUNICATE. Even if the
other adults tend to lose their cool, a grandma can
help a child feel valued and understood just by
discussing her point of view, asking questions, and
treating her like the adult she is trying to become.
-
Don't sweat the small stuff.
For example, when it comes to clothing, outlaw the
sexy items, but allow things you might consider
wacky or dowdy.
-
Make sure that your daughter or
granddaughter understands periods, conception,
birth, sexual relations, and feelings as best she
can before puberty. Then keep that
conversational door open. Use opportunities
provided by television programs, rumors, song
lyrics, or the dress of other girls to start a
discussion (but not an argument). Buy the book
What's Happening to My Body, the Book For Girls,
by Linda Madaras.
-
Do your best to avoid ordering your
adolescent to do things. Try to work with her
new sense of independence and maturity to negotiate
the things you want done. Some things, of
course, will not be negotiable. Let her know
which things are not, and why. Then stand firm
on those. Use privileges to encourage her
cooperation for things that are important but not
essential. (For example, "I know you'd really like
to go to that movie, but I don't want to leave the
house looking this way. If we can get it
straightened up in time, we'll go.)
-
Do try to provide good nutrition and
opportunities for adequate sleep. Both really
do impact a child's mood as well as her overall
health.
Most adolescents weather puberty just
fine. They do so more easily if they know in
advance how it might affect them and if they have a
positive attitude toward the changes they are feeling.
(The latter is difficult if they are continually being
treated as brats). I suggest that every parent
with a child between the ages of 8 and 18 read the book
Surviving Your Adolescent, by Thomas W. Phelan,
Ph.D. If necessary, reread the book every six
months during adolescence and the teen years. Then
do your best to accompany your own young lady through
puberty with understanding, patience, and humor.
 
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