Child and Adolescent Clinic - Sibling Rivalry 1

Ask Dr. Sue

SIBLING RIVALRY (1)

Dear Dr. Sue,

Our four year old has become very jealous of her one year old sister. We are trying to give her lots of extra attention right now, but there are only so many hours in a day. Can you give us some ideas about sibling rivalry, and how to improve it?

Dear Parent,

It's wonderful that your first instinct is to give your daughter more time and attention, rather than more punishment and time-outs! Your daughter is undoubtedly feeling insecure as she sees her sister becoming more of an individual, while still taking up an immense amount of your time and attention. The baby is probably also getting into her belongings more, as well as using and wearing the things that used to be hers.

You may see your daughter acting out more, becoming more clingy and whiny, or wanting to act like she's a baby. You may also catch her hitting the baby, or pulling her hair! Of course, the latter can't be tolerated. You will want to remind your older daughter that you're not going to let ANYONE hurt the baby, just like you're not going to let anyone hurt her.

It's best to ignore the other behaviors as much as possible. Instead of drawing attention to them, draw attention to the activities you want to see more of. Talk about how much you love it when she entertains her sister while you make dinner, and how much it helps to have her bring you things when you're changing a diaper. Take her with you to the store and ask her to pick out some of the best toddler foods for her sister ("because she probably would like the things you think are good"). When the baby imitates her big sister, say "Look, she's trying to do it just the way you do!"

Help your four-year-old have a space, and things in it, that are hers alone. When the baby grabs something that belongs to her sister, demonstrate how to get it back without a fight (by trading something else for it), but be prepared to intervene if that doesn't work.

Make sure that your older daughter gets to do some things that babies can't do. Perhaps she can go to a movie with her father (who can remind her that such treats are only for big kids). And although you should save some of the evening for kid-free-time, it would be best if her bedtime came after the baby's so you could read, or color, or do other "big-kid" things with her.

If someone compliments the baby, be gracious, but accept the compliment in a way that includes your older daughter. ("She's so beautiful," or "She's so smart," can be answered with "Thanks, she's just like her big sister.")

Baby's just naturally get held, hugged and kissed more than older kids. Remember to seek out your daughter for her share of those things if she doesn't demand them. Tell her you need hugs from her and you just can't stand to be without them. This is important, since she may equate the amount of physical affection shown with the amount of love available for each of them.

Help your older child develop special bonds with other people, too. Set up play dates with other preschoolers. Let her visit Grandma or an aunt or adult friend of yours when the baby won't be there.

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