Child and Adolescent Clinic - Sibling Rivalry 2

Ask Dr. Sue

SIBLING RIVALRY (2)

Dear Dr. Sue,

My two sons, ages 8 and 11, fight constantly. It's driving my husband and me crazy! Every day begins and ends on a sour note. What can we do to help them learn to get along with each other?

Dear Mom,

Sibling rivalry can certainly cause a lot of stress in a home. A certain amount of conflict is to be expected, is entirely natural, and actually acts as a dress rehearsal for conflict resolution in adulthood. Many siblings, however, carry the fighting to an intolerable level.

Your sons are at peak sibling rivalry ages: competition between siblings is often at its worst between 8 and 12 years of age. The competition is usually worse between siblings of the same sex. If they are close in age or have the same interests it can be even more intense.

Don't expect that sibling rivalry will die away promptly if you do everything right: your boys may still be competing fiercely in their 30s! There are some things you can do to help minimize their rivalry, though.

Don't compare one to the other. In some families it seems as though there is one troublemaker that starts many of the conflicts. If this is the case in your family, don't bring up the cooperative behavior of the other child; doing so will only increase jealousy and conflict. Don't brag about one boy's athleticism or academic ability. Ideally, each boy should be trying to improve over previous performance. If you must boast, talk about how much one improved, or how hard each one worked.
Don't even try to treat the boys identically. You can't win at this one, and they will learn to scrutinize every situation for possible unfairness. They need to learn that people are individuals, and that each individual has different needs at different times. A parent's job is to try to meet those needs as they arise.
Even though you can't treat them identically, however, make fairness your starting point. If your older boy had a bedtime of 9 pm at age eight, your younger should be able to stay up until 9 if all of the circumstances are the same. If he has to get up earlier in the morning or if he just can't get out of bed with that amount of sleep, then you change the rule to fit his needs.
Don't take part in their fights! Let them work out their differences without you as much as possible. Of course, if they are about to come to blows you will need to step in. When you do, simply send them to their rooms and ask them to each come up with one solution to the problem while they are in there. If they can never come up with solutions, try problem solving at a family meeting. Some families assign every other day to each child; if there is a stalemate, the child whose day it is wins by default. The other child gets the same privilege on alternate days.
Make sure that tattling doesn't pay in your household. (This means that if Jimmy comes to you and says Johnny spilled milk all over the kitchen all three of you should be involved in the clean-up.) Remember to teach your children that it is not tattling to tell about potentially dangerous things, however
Respect your child's dignity and privacy. If you have to scold one, take him out of earshot of the other child.

Go to http://quiz.ivillage.com/parentsoup/tests/rivalry.htm for a quiz to help you see if you are contributing to sibling rivalry

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