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Ask Dr. Sue
TEENS DELAYING SEXUAL ACTIVITY
Dear Dr. Sue,
How can I get the message across to my teenage daughter
that I prefer she is not sexually involved until she is
more mature; but also let her know I love her and that I
will support her if she should accidentally become
pregnant, even though I would be very disappointed?
Dear Mom,
You need to tell your daughter exactly what you’ve
stated above. Tell her not just once, but whenever
an opening suggests itself. For example, if a
young girl you know gets pregnant, you might say
something like “I sure wish that hadn’t happened to her.
Her whole life is going to be much harder now, and there
are going to be so many opportunities she won’t be able
to take advantage of. But I’m sure glad her family
is being supportive; she’ll really need their help now.
I hope you know that I really am expecting you to wait
to have sex until you’re older, and in a strong
long-term committed relationship, but I also want you to
know that I love you and we would stick together and
work things out if you were the one who was pregnant.”
(Substitute the word married if that represents your
values.) If the pregnant girl’s family disowns
her, be verbal about that, too, as in “I can’t imagine
not being there for my daughter when she really needed
me, no matter what.” Don’t ever assume that
your daughter will know how you feel, because she may
perceive your attitude to be different than what it
really is.
And her perception of what you feel about her sexual
activity actually does make a difference. Brent C.
Miller, PhD., Utah State University reviewed over two
decades of research in 1998 for the National Campaign to
Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (1) He found that several
things were associated with teens choosing to delay
sexual intercourse. The first of these was
parent/child connectedness, or a warm, close
relationship, particularly between the teen and their
mother. The second was parental disapproval of
teen sexual intercourse. Studies seemed to differ
regarding the effect of close parental supervision.
Some suggested that close supervision was associated
with a delay in sexual activity, while others showed a
higher risk of early sexual activity with strict
parenting.
Teens who had a close relationship with their mother
also were more likely to use birth control if they did
initiate sexual activity, and were less likely to become
pregnant. It only makes sense that if your
daughter did become pregnant she would be most likely to
tell you and accept your help if you had a close
relationship already, as long as she didn’t feel that
the news would totally devastate you or change the way
you thought or felt about her.
Research has previously shown that teens who are
involved in sports are less likely to have sex early in
their teen years (2), as are those whose parents value
education. Teens whose mothers have higher levels
of education are less likely to start intercourse at
every age that was screened. Knowing and frequently
talking to the parents of your daughter’s friends seemed
to be important, too, though this benefit didn’t seem to
hold true for boys. Knowing where your daughter
is, expecting her to comply with home rules and
regulations and having meals together as a family all
seemed to influence teen girls’ choices about initiating
intercourse.
The following things were associated with an increased
risk of early teen sex:
Teens who went through puberty earlier were more likely
to have sex earlier. Teens who perceived that
several or most of their friends were having sex were
more likely to have sex, as well. In other
studies, other risk factors for early sex have been
identified:
-
In one study, smoking was the best
predictor of sexual activity in sixth grade (3)
-
Substance abuse plays a role at all
ages; many teens have confirmed that they have sex
under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they
otherwise would not have. (4)
-
Physical or sexual abuse highly
increase the risk of early sexual encounters,
multiple sexual partners and pregnancy (5)
-
Although having a mother who was
extremely religious did not seem to influence teens’
initiation of sex in these studies, the importance
of religion in the teens’ own lives does seem to
have a protective effect. (6) Even in teens
who did not express strong religious beliefs, 26%
still selected “morals, values and/or religious
beliefs” as the factor that played the strongest
role in their choice about whether to have sex. (7)
-
Two recent studies regarding the
impact of television on sexual activities in teens
showed that watching TV with sexual content does
seem to be related to earlier sexual activity,
whether the content is just sexual talk or actual
sexual scenarios. Television shows that
featured information about contraception and
pregnancy, however, helped to educate teens about
the risks of sex and could also stimulate
discussions about sex between parents and teens. (8)
-
These same studies associated having
older friends, getting lower grades, skipping class
and other rule-breaking, as well as depression and
anxiety with the initiation of sexual activity.
In this research, several things seemed to have no
effect on timing of first intercourse. It didn’t
seem to matter how uncomfortable mothers felt discussing
sex with their teens, whether male or female. It
also didn’t seem to matter whether sex or birth control
was actually discussed much at home. Discussing
the risks of early sex did not seem to delay the
initiation of intercourse for either boys or girls.
By the way, teens did report that they wanted to hear
more from their parents than just risks and
prohibitions. Teens want their parents to listen
to their concerns, feelings and their own ambivalence
about sexual activity. They also want their
parents to discuss with them the effects of intimacy on
their emotions and current and future relationships.
Research has shown repeatedly that many teens regret
starting sexual activity at the time that they did, and
they would have liked hearing from other teens about
whether they regretted having sex when they did.
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy suggest
these ten tips for parents:
1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes
and tell your children. How do you know what you
believe? Here are some questions to guide you:
-
What do you really think about
school-aged teenagers being sexually active—perhaps
even becoming parents?
-
Who is responsible for setting sexual
limits in a relationship, and how is this done,
realistically?
-
Were you sexually active as a
teenager and how do you feel about that now?
-
What do you think about encouraging
teenagers to abstain from sex?
-
What about contraception?
2. Talk with your children early and
often about sex and love and be specific.
3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.
Establish rules, curfews and standards of accepted
behavior.
4. Know your children’s friends and their families.
Remember their friends’ families want to know you too.
5. Discourage early, frequent and steady dating.
6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a
boy significantly older than she is. And
discourage your son from developing an intense
relationship with a girl much younger than he is.
7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future
that are more attractive than early pregnancy and
parenthood.
8. Let your kids know that you value education highly.
9. Know what your kids are watching, reading and
listening to.
10. Get more information. Talk with your child’s other
parent. Talk with your doctor, nurse, clergy, teacher or
other important professional in his or her life.
I would add a reminder from the beginning of our
discussion: Make sure your teen knows that you are
available for any questions or dilemmas that may arise
in her life and that you will listen, refrain from
judging whenever possible, and help her solve the
problem no matter what.
References
1.
www.allaboutkids.umn.edu/presskit/MonographMS.pdf
2. The Women’s Sports Foundation Report:
Sport and Teen Pregnancy. East Meadow, NY: The
Foundation, 1998.
3. Robinson KL et al. Predictors of sixth graders
engaging in sexual intercourse. J Sch Health
1999;69:369-75.
4. Kaiser Family Foundation, YM Magazine. National
Survey of Teens: Teens Talk about Dating, Intimacy, and
Their Sexual Experiences. Menlo Park, CA: The
Foundation, 1998.
5. Raj A et al. The relationship between sexual abuse
and sexual risk among high school students: findings
from the 1997 Massachusetts youth risk behavior survey.
Maternal & Child Health J 2000;4:125-34.
6. Holder DW et al. The association between adolescent
sexual spirituality and voluntary sexual activity. J
Adolesc Health 2000;26:295-302>
7. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Faithful
ation: What American Adults and Teens Think about Faith,
Morals, Religion, and Teen Pregnancy: A National Survey.
Washington, DC: The Campaign, 200l.
 
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