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Ask Dr. Sue
THE DEFIANT CHILD
Dear Dr. Sue,
My five year old daughter has become so strong-willed
and defiant its scary sometimes. She has tantrums over
little things, and insists that everything goes her way
or she falls apart. For example, the whole family went
for a hike. We were having a wonderful time until we
came to a step that I wanted to help her down. She
didn’t want help, but I insisted. She threw herself down
in the dirt and screamed and thrashed around until she
was covered in dirt. I tried talking to her and tried
reasoning with her, and when she wouldn’t listen to
reason we called off the rest of the hike and walked
back out to the car. She kept wailing and screaming the
entire 3/4 miles back out. I try talking to her about
everyone else’s feelings when she ruins the family
outing for all of us. I’ve tried time outs (she won’t
stay) and the time outs where you hold the child (she
struggles the entire time). I’ve read every parenting
book I can get my hands on and tried to apply what they
suggest. This child has been strong-willed since day
one, but it’s getting unbearable for the whole family.
I’m afraid to think what the future will bring. Help! By
the way, she’s just fine in school and daycare; her
teachers can’t believe she’s anything but an angel.
Dear parent,
I can tell by reading your letter that you are a
motivated and caring parent, and I believe you when you
tell me you’ve tried just about everything to control
your daughter’s behavior. Obviously there isn’t going to
be one single magical phrase or action that will turn
every day into smooth sailing. I strongly suggest that
you get take some actual parenting classes, as much for
the input from other parents as from the teacher. Some
of the parents you will meet have been through just what
you’re experiencing, and they may have a few ideas worth
trying. (Be choosy, of course.) Please connect with a
counselor, as well, specifically one who is skilled at
Behavior Modification Training. Having a trained
professional on your team will definitely make a
difference both now and in the future.
I have some other suggestions, as well. First of all,
don’t even try to reason with your daughter when she’s
in the midst of a tantrum. She isn’t hearing you and
can’t respond to reason at that time. Secondly, it
appears that your daughter has a strong need for
control; don’t let her seize control of the family with
her tantrums. In the hiking example you gave, I would
have helped her down the step, as you did, for safety
reasons. Then, if she threw a tantrum, I would have
carefully ignored her and at least pretended that the
rest of the family was having a good time without her.
Step aside a little, keep your back to her as much as
possible – while still observing her covertly to be sure
that she’s safe – and comment on the beautiful flowers,
the birds in the trees, and the interesting bugs on the
trail. Tell jokes. Play leapfrog. When she finally stops
the tantrum, say cheerfully “ok, I guess we’re ready to
move on now!” Then continue on as if nothing happened. Those tantrums that she’s having cost her a lot in terms
of energy and emotional stress; if they don’t result in
attention OR increased control of her environment they
may begin to abate.
Remember to catch your daughter being good, and praise
her. It’s best to find some way to have five positive
interactions for every negative one, and that requires
that you actively seek out times to compliment your
daughter. You may feel that you shouldn’t reward her for
doing the normal acceptable things that other children
seem to do effortlessly. You should and must! The rarer
good behavior is, the more you need to notice it and
comment on it. Don’t go overboard and gush endlessly
about how she managed to avoid kicking her sister as she
walked by, but do notice and comment. Here’s an
innovative twist on this concept: some experts feel that
intense children need intense feedback. If they get
low-energy input when they’re good and high intensity
input when they act out, they feel driven to act out to
get the kind of response that they need. Howard Glasser
and Jennifer Easley, in their book Transforming the
Difficult Child, suggest increasing the intensity of
positive reactions while making negative reactions
low-key but non-negotiable. For example, you might put
on loud music and dance a victory dance when your child
makes a good choice. Such revelry should be reserved for
good behavior you catch at home, but in public a
“high-five” and a big hug might suffice.
Remember to take care of the needs of the rest of the
family, including yourself. Go on dates with your
husband, and don’t spend all of them talking about your
daughter. Arrange special outings for each child with
one parent – all of the children will benefit from being
the only focus, for a change. Maintain interests of your
own, preferably those that allow you to feel successful
and relaxed.
I know that you are worried that she will become more
and more difficult as she gets older. It is encouraging
that she is able to control her behavior at school;
school life is usually not spared when there is a true
behavior disorder present. Children with Oppositional
Defiant Disorder, which may affect as many as 15% of
American children, have the following symptoms:
-
frequent temper tantrums
-
excessive arguing with adults
-
active defiance and refusal to comply with adult
requests and rules
-
deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
-
blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
-
often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
-
frequent anger and resentment
-
mean and hateful talking when upset
-
seeking revenge
(From the American Academy of Child and Adolescent
Psychiatry)
If you feel your daughter shows most or all of those
symptoms, it is even more important that you get
involved with skilled mental health professionals, and
that your daughter have a thorough evaluation to
consider whether Oppositional Defiant Disorder is truly
present, either alone or in conjunction with another
disorder, such as ADHD, a mood disorder or anxiety
disorder.
Books worth checking out:
-
The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene
-
Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior by
Dr. Russell A. Barkley and Christine M. Benton
-
Transforming the Difficult Child by Howard Glasser and
Jennifer Easley
-
From Defiance to Cooperation by Dr. John F. Taylor
 
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