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Ask Dr. Sue
THE PET THAT DIES
Dear Dr. Sue,
My family has an older dog that has just been diagnosed
with advanced lung cancer. We really have no
choice but to have her put to sleep. We have two
boys, ages two and four, and we were wondering how we
can explain this situation in particular and death in
general to kids so little.
Sad Father
Dear Father,
You are facing a situation that comes to every family
sooner or later, in some form. Be grateful at
least that your dilemma involves a family pet, as hard
as that is, rather than a beloved family member.
I'm happy to hear that you plan to be honest with your
children, rather than making the mistake of trying to
hide the truth from them. They do need to learn
about death at some point, and the loss of a pet
provides an opportunity for them to begin to understand
an issue that will unfortunately come up again someday.
The first thing to be careful about is the terminology
you use. Don't tell your boys that your dog is
being "put to sleep," or they may be afraid of going to
bed. The word euthanasia is too big for them at
this age. Perhaps the best way to put it is that
your dog is very sick, and this time there isn't
anything that will help her get better. Since she
hurts and can't enjoy being alive any more, the vet is
going to help her die. Make sure that they
understand that doctors don't do this to people (ignore
the assisted suicide issue in Oregon for now!)
Also reassure them that usually when people or animals
get sick they either get better all by themselves, or
there is medicine that can help them. They
shouldn't expect bad things from every minor illness
that comes along. They do need to know, however,
that people die, too. Tell them that your dog got
to live a very happy and long life before she died, and
that you expect that all of the people they love will
get to live a very long time, too.
You might consider allowing your older boy to be present
when your dog is euthanized. Then he won't develop
a mental picture that is much more frightening than what
actually happens. He could also be actively
comforting his pet in a strange environment, and could
have that memory to hold on to. At the moment of
death you could explain that her spirit had gone away,
and that her body is just like clothes that have been
taken off; that's why she can't move or bark anymore.
You know your children better than anyone, though, and
you may feel that having even the older one present
would be a bad idea. You may feel that you will be
in tears yourself (though that's not necessarily a bad
thing). Or you may feel that he might develop a
fear of medical settings if he sees euthanasia in
action. I would still be prepared to tell the boys
how she died, when they ask. Something like "the vet
gave her some medicine that just made her relax, and not
hurt or be afraid, and then she died. She knew
that everything was going to be OK because I was there
to take care of her."
If you can't help showing your sadness in front of your
child after your dog is dead, good for you. You are
teaching your child that strong emotions are OK to have
and OK to let others see. You also will be
demonstrating that it is possible to go through times
that are hard and have them get better. You will
give your children the opportunity to comfort you, which
can give them a sense of strength and power in a
situation in which they may otherwise feel very
helpless.
Some other things that may help all of you:
-
Have your children help you create a
special memorial for your dog. This could be
an engraved stone to put in your garden, or a memory
book full of pictures and stories that you come up
with as a family.
-
Tell your children it is OK to be
angry or sad.
-
Don't be surprised if you see some
acting out in terms of tantrums or fighting sleep.
Spend extra time cuddling your children. The
youngest, especially, will not have words for the
feelings that he has. Be sure he knows that he
is surrounded by love.
-
Let the boys decide what should be
buried with their dog (Her favorite chew toy?
Her blanket?). Even if the body is going to be
cremated, it may be comforting to them to know that
something special is taking that last trip with her.
Don't discuss the details of cremation with them at
this age, as that might be very frightening; it can
just be considered burial as far as they are
concerned.
-
Make sure the boys know that nothing
they did caused their pet to be sick, or to die.
-
Expect there to be many conversations
about her death, as time goes on and their
understanding evolves.
-
There will be many questions about
death in general. Do share your beliefs about
what happens to people after they die in the course
of these discussions. If you want to say that
your dog went to heaven, please do, just be prepared
for them to be taught otherwise in Sunday school, if
they attend.
-
It will probably take a long time for
them to truly believe that your dog won't be coming
back again. Be patient with them.
The following books might also be
helpful:
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story for All Ages,
by Leo Buscaglia
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to
Children, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, by Judith
Viorst
It Must Hurt a Lot, by Doris Sanford
When a Pet Dies, by Fred Rogers
All God's Creatures go to Heaven, by Amy Nolfo-Wheeler
Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping, by
Marty Tousley
 
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