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Ask Dr. Sue
THE TIMID CHILD
Dear Dr. Sue,
My four year old daughter is extremely timid. She is
very fearful of trying new things and won't really join
in with the fun at a playgroup or birthday party. I'm
very concerned about this because I was shy as a child
and never really outgrew it. How can I help her be more
willing to try new things and to learn to be social? And
do you think I've caused her to be timid by something
I'm doing?
Dear Mom,
Possibly you've contributed to your child's timid nature
in one way, and that's by the genetic material that you
gave her. A study done at Harvard suggested that there
are differences in the way the brain works in shy
children when compared with more outgoing children.
Researchers there did brain scans on 22 year olds that
were judged to be shy and timid when they were two years
old. Many of these young people were no longer extremely
shy, but all of them shared one characteristic finding: when shown an unexpected sight, one part of their brain
(the amygdala) was much more chemically active than the
amygdalas of the "outgoing at age two" group. So your
daughter may have inherited an increased chemical
reactivity of this part of her brain.
There are, however, things that you can do to help your
child learn to be less shy and more social. On the other
hand, if you handle her shyness the wrong way you can
make things worse. Dr. Ward Swallow, in his book
The Shy
Child: Helping Children Triumph over Shyness, lists five
things that may help encourage your child to be more
comfortable socially.
1. Find a good preschool. Look for one that has a small
teacher to child ratio (no more than 7 children for each
teacher). Tell the teacher about your child's shyness. Make sure that you visit the school before the first day
and spend time exploring and meeting the teacher.
2. Prepare. As with the new preschool, ease your child
into new situations as smoothly as possible by visiting
in advance. Dr. Swallow suggests that if your child is
invited to a birthday party you might visit the home a
few days before the actual date to talk with the
parents, give your daughter a look at the surroundings
and let her learn what sort of activities will be going
on.
3. Listen and empathize. Let your daughter know that you
had many of the same feelings when you were little. Don't do this in a negative way, however. Instead of
saying "It's terrible to have to meet a bunch of new
people," you might say "It can be hard to get to know so
many people at once, but birthday parties are so much
fun!"
4. Practice. Act out the activity. If it's a birthday
party, have your daughter pretend to arrive at the party
while you act as the hostess. Then switch roles. Your
daughter will have a lot of fun with these games, and
through repetition of social activities she will begin
to feel a little more comfortable with them. If she's
going to start swimming lessons, act out the whole
routine at home, from changing into her swimming suit,
to showering, to sitting on the side of the pool and
doing things with the teacher.
5. Work on changing her inner messages. Some experts
feel that shy children (and adults) are sending
themselves negative messages all the time, like "No one
will like me at the party." Talk to your daughter about
what a nice person she is and how much fun she can be. Reinforce that image after an event, using concrete
examples, if possible. For example, "It was so nice of
you to get that other little boy a piece of cake. He was
really happy that you helped him. You're such a nice
person."
There are some things that you should NOT do when
dealing with a shy child. Don't force her outside her
comfort level. Don't allow her to stay permanently
within her shell, either. The middle ground consists of
exposing her to as many interesting experiences as
possible and encouraging and rewarding small steps
outside her comfort zone. If she's afraid to go the
birthday party, go anyway, but let her sit on your lap
at first. If she wants to sample the treats, however,
she'll have to go and get her own piece of cake. Encourage her to take her gift to the birthday child,
but if she won't, don't do it yourself. The birthday
child can come to her and take it, hopefully telling her
thank you, so that she has at least that much social
interaction.
Finally, don't EVER call your child shy, and don't allow
others to put that label onto her. If you have to
correct someone's description, use time-limited
statements like "She's feeling a little un-social
today." You don't want your child to see shyness as an
unchangeable part of herself, since children often live
up to whatever labels we place on them.
 
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