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Ask Dr. Sue
TODDLERS WITH TERRORS
Dear Dr. Sue:
Here is a question for you...
My almost three year old daughter seems to be worried
about a lot of things lately....bugs, doctors with
rubber gloves, nurses with needles, dogs with sharp
teeth. She has some bad experiences in these areas
and plays them over and over verbally with us. How
do we get her to get past them and not have so much
anxiety in the future over them?
Thanks,
Mom
Dear Mom,
It is very common and normal for your preschool-age
daughter to suddenly have a lot of fears. She is
just at the age where she is coming to grips with a
million different things that seemed irrelevant to her
just a few months ago. She now understands that
people can get hurt sometimes, and that she is a totally
separate individual from you, in a fairly fragile little
package. You are teaching her to look both ways
when she crosses the street, not to climb up on some
things because she might fall, and all of the other
necessary precautions of life. Her active
imagination is now beginning to look at each situation
in a new way, giving rise to the big question "What
dangers are there here?" In addition, things that
have already proven themselves to be uncomfortable might
be even more traumatic the next time; who knows?
Reassure yourself that it is her intelligence, her
beginning mastery of the world around her, and a fine
imagination that cause all of these fears, and you won't
feel so bad about them.
What should you do about her fears? You want to
walk a fine line between minimizing and encouraging her
fears.
First of all, acknowledge that she is afraid in a
matter-of-fact way. Don't let her see you smile or
laugh or roll your eyes about these fears - she is
probably also very intuitive and will easily pick up on
these nonverbal cues. Cuddle her when she needs it
and reassure her that you'll get through the situation
together. She'll learn two things: that it
is all right to have fears, and that you will always be
there for her during stressful times in her life.
It helps that she wants to play these situations over
and over verbally; that's the best thing she can do to
conquer her fears. Encourage these conversations,
no matter how many times they are repeated. I
would advise staying neutral emotionally during these
talks. Don't sympathize, but explore with her.
In other words, don't say "oh, I'm so sorry you were
scared," but rather something like "it seemed like those
big balloons were scary for you. Do you think
that's it?" Explain, explain, explain. Tell
her that big balloons seem scary when they bob around in
the wind, but they're fastened down tight, and if they
came loose the wind would blow them right up into the
air and away. And besides, they're not alive; they
can only do what people or the wind make them do.
Talk to her about earlier fears she had: "Remember
when you used to be afraid of the garbage truck because
it made so much noise? Then you learned that it
just has a noisy motor that it needs to do all of its
work." This helps her to see that she has already
overcome some fears. It doesn't hurt to talk about
fears you had when you were little, and how you learned
not to be afraid. Try not to display current fears
to her, though. (If you overreact at the sight of
spiders, try to keep that response under wraps when
she's around.)
Let her use "lovies," if she has them. If she has
to have a shot, let her take her special toy or blanket
with her. The same toy or blanket can do with her
to new situations like preschool, or a birthday party.
Let her be desensitized to her fears through books and
movies (not scary ones, though!) If she hears
often enough about how Lassie saves the family it will
be harder to maintain a fear of dogs in general.
Remember to encourage respect for situations that might
be hazardous, though. You don't want her to walk
up to unknown dogs that really might bite.
Empower her where you can. Give her a spray bottle
full of water that has been "proven to neutralize
monsters." Allow a night-light or let her keep a
flashlight on in her bed until she falls asleep.
Brainstorm with her about what will help her feel better
in a certain situation. Will she feel safer in a
large gathering if she has a magic Spider Man ring on?
Or something special in her pocket that no one knows is
there? She might come up with an idea none of us
would think of, and it will be even more effective
because it is HER idea.
Try role playing, as well. Let her practice giving
you shots and putting a band-aid on you afterward. You
can say "Ouch! That hurt a little bit, but it
doesn't any more. I'm glad I got my shot so now I
won't get sick."
Finally, don't deceive her about those uncomfortable
situations. I feel it's better to carry her into
the office sobbing than to have her feel that she can't
trust you in the future. If she has to have blood
drawn or have a shot, let her know why, and that it will
hurt a tiny bit for a second, but that you will go
somewhere fun after its over. Remind her that
grownups have to have shots and blood tests, too, so you
know what it feels like. If the possibility
arises, let her watch you have yours done!
Your daughter is growing up fast. As she
experiences more and more of these situations she will
begin to realize that she can get through things that
seem frightening at first and her fears will probably
begin to diminish in number. Meanwhile, it's
likely that she may get over one fear just to replace it
with a new one.
Some children who exhibit constant fearfulness may be
suffering from an anxiety disorder or expressing life
stresses or actual depression in the only way they can.
If after reading this, you feel that your daughter's
fears are excessive, don't hesitate to schedule a parent
conference with your pediatrician.
 
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